I used to be the a-typical Christian girl. What I was looking for in a male counterpart was: anointing, passion for Jesus, provision/comfort and good looking. I thought that wasn’t too much to be asking and believed that would satisfy me. Boy was I wrong!
I just want to share my mistakes with you in hopes of preventing unnecessary pain if it hasn’t already taken place. If it has, no worries. I’m proof that you’ll live and be blessed by those painful experiences somehow because God is bigger than our mistakes and He works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I am living proof of that promise!
So let me take you on a little journey of how God blew my “Mr. Right” list out of the waters.
- X-ing anointing off my list
I was drawn to my first boyfriend by his anointing when he preached. He was a charismatic and anointed speaker. As if that wasn’t enough, he was good friends with other anointed young leaders.
During the short period we dated, I felt most comfortable with him when he was preaching and not so much when it was just the two of us hanging out. Don’t get me wrong, the man is a great guy who truly loves the Lord. But he just wasn’t for me.
The Lord through my spiritual dad at the time invited us to give it up. His words were, if this guy hears so clearly from God about everything but hasn’t been able to hear from God about our relationship, then we need to call it quits.
I couldn’t believe my ears! I was devastated. My plan was to only date the guy I was going to marry! But God didn’t go by the storyline I laid out for Him, He had better plans for His beloved daughter.
Later on, after we broke up, God told me, “you didn’t love him, you loved his anointing.” Ouch! I began to see that I longed for what my ex had with the Lord which I myself didn’t have at the time, an intimate relationship with the Lord. I hardly could hear God’s voice back then. I actually fell in love with his relationship with the Lord rather than who he is as a person.
Even as I’m writing this, the Lord is helping me realize that what I really was looking for was proof to show the world that I’m desired, wanted and loved. At the time, I wanted so badly to be valued that a preacher/pastor whom everyone adored seemed like just the ticket out of the worthlessness I felt towards myself.
- X-ing out comfort and looks off my list
With my second boyfriend, I was drawn to him by his looks and the comforts his life offered. At the time, I had grown lonely, discouraged and lost. I was struggling as a missionary to live off the support I was getting which was barely enough for me to live on. I was asked to step down as a worship leader which is one of my main callings. I didn’t have any close friends in the community. I was miserable. I felt discouraged, lost and lonely.
Then he came along. His life seemed exciting. He was from a different country, lived a different type of life. He had friends who were children of famous singers, senators and wealthy individuals. He seemed nice, cute, friendly and funny.
By this time, I was growing in my ability to hear God’s voice and He told me very directly, “NO!” when I was praying about this relationship. It was so clear that I dismissed it, believing that I couldn’t hear God that clearly. Oh, aren’t we funny creatures?
That summer, my then boyfriend bought me a ticket for me to visit him in his country in order to get to know his friends, family and church, basically to see if I would feel comfortable potentially moving there. It was pretty serious in my mind.
I felt happy and excited about my life again! During my visit to his country, we went to a concert where one of his friends and the friend’s dad performed. We went to nice places and restaurants with his other friend who was constantly followed by a group of bodyguards. His other friends we visited lived in houses that had servants who made their meals, outdoor pools and beautiful gardens. It was the life! And I thought I wanted that life.
But after that summer, I was in pain. Despite his good looks and the comforts of his life, my second ex didn’t treat me with kindness nor with respect. I wasn’t able to understand at the time that this was the reason why I felt depressed after leaving his country, why I dreaded talking to him on Skype. It’s sad, but I didn’t know what it was like to be treated with kindness and respect, but I felt that something was wrong. Later that year, we broke up.
I began to see that there was an ache for the Lord in me, for a deep relationship with Him, to do what He has called me to do because joy, love and peace is not found in circumstances, a location or material wealth, it’s a person, it’s Jesus Christ.
Even through the dark times, if I just have God, there’s light that shines through and lifts me up to where He is, the fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16). God revealed to me, that He’s put a seed of desire in me, that above my desire for a husband, despite how gut wrenching and painfully deep this desire was, dwelt an even deeper, much more ravenous desire for God, my true Bridegroom.
Learning to let the Lord Wash My Feet: Meeting My True Love
The following summer I kept crying out to the Lord asking Him why?! Why did that relationship happen and why did it fall apart? Why did I have to endure the pain and suffer?! Why was I so blind! The Lord’s response to me was, let me wash your feet. I broke down crying, knowing that I’ve pushed Him away in my shame, trying to reconcile in my own heart why I despised God’s will, His ways and leadership. I saw my nature, that I did not in fact innately love who He is and His ways.
Before this second relationship, though I confessed with my mouth, I did not believe in my heart that I was a sinner. And now the evidence of who I truly am stared straight at me, condemning me. I am a sinner in need of Christ to wash me clean and redeem me by His blood. I felt as if I was being saved for the second time.
In the midst of the pain of the single season or any other painful times in our lives, what we need the most is to allow the Lord to wash our feet. We hold so tightly to our expectations, our desired results and what we want the Lord to do all the while we are not allowing Him to minister to our hearts that is crying out for Him.
When the Lord began to give me the grace to let Him serve me, to let Him be my God, be the protector and defender of my heart, be the One who brings Mr. Right onto the scene at the time He sees fit, I started on the path towards finding my identity, worth and self-respect. He revealed to me that what I desired above all else in a husband, was Christ-likeness not the shallow things this world tempts me to believe I desire.
Do we truly believe that God is good? Or do we think that He’s like our dad, our ex-boyfriend, brother or others who have hurt us?
Lord help us let You wash our feet. Give us the grace to be vulnerable and let You serve us as You served the disciples. We want to be a part of You.
“‘Lord, are You washing my feet?” Jesus answered and said to him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.” Peter said to Him, “You shall never wash my feet!” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me.” John 13:6-8